I have felt all of this! I also think, for many of us moms, it can be difficult to feel like we are no longer young and slender, and all the things, just as our daughters are blossoming. It's confronting! It's like seeing a younger, better version of yourself all the time. But it is also often a reminder that I don't want to be 17 anymore! I will take this older body with my older, wiser brain and all the life experiences that have happened in the 30+ years since I finished puberty!
I hadn't thought of that, but of course that dynamic is at play in so many families. No wonder those archetypal figures of the maiden vs. the stepmother/queen show up in so many fairy tales.
Thank you, Zoë! And I totally agree—these tough moments are when we and our kids develop the skills we need to navigate real life. Because diet culture isn't going anywhere anytime soon.
Thank you for this. The tip you give that trips me up the most is paying compliments. It comes so naturally to me to want to tell people when I think they look fantastic, but I know that so much of that judgment is based on unhelpful cultural expectations. You look great, comments helped to reinforce our own daughter's eating disorder behaviours. I have a friend who has had bariatric surgery and is now underweight and struggling as a result. When she meets women who knew her before, they want to know her secret!
I've started focusing on things like "I'm so happy to see you!" vs giving feedback on their appearance. It feels so much better to me, and feels 100% authentic, especially since the start of the pandemic.
I also think there is a difference between commenting on someone's body size vs taking note of their style and creative choices.
I will say, though, that when I had lost weight for a period of time due to extreme stress, I suddenly got compliments on clothes I had been wearing for years, so that didn't feel great either (especially as the stress was from my child being in treatment for anorexia). It was a painful reminder of how these kinds of comments can land with people.
I agree with all of that. It reminds me that we never know what is going on on the inside for someone. So the only helpful place to be is to share our experience as you say 'I am so happy to see you' or 'I am enjoying the energy you have brought today'.
I have felt all of this! I also think, for many of us moms, it can be difficult to feel like we are no longer young and slender, and all the things, just as our daughters are blossoming. It's confronting! It's like seeing a younger, better version of yourself all the time. But it is also often a reminder that I don't want to be 17 anymore! I will take this older body with my older, wiser brain and all the life experiences that have happened in the 30+ years since I finished puberty!
I hadn't thought of that, but of course that dynamic is at play in so many families. No wonder those archetypal figures of the maiden vs. the stepmother/queen show up in so many fairy tales.
The overlap is no joke! I've addressed this timeframe from a sleep perspective . . . so glad to see you doing so from a body image standpoint!
Thanks, Lisa. It really is a parallel process in so many ways. I know some people describes menopause as "puberty in reverse."
Lots of opportunities to connect, role model, and even problem-solve together!
I loved every bit of this! Such an important reminder that body image resilience is built in moments of struggle.
Thank you, Zoë! And I totally agree—these tough moments are when we and our kids develop the skills we need to navigate real life. Because diet culture isn't going anywhere anytime soon.
Thank you for this. The tip you give that trips me up the most is paying compliments. It comes so naturally to me to want to tell people when I think they look fantastic, but I know that so much of that judgment is based on unhelpful cultural expectations. You look great, comments helped to reinforce our own daughter's eating disorder behaviours. I have a friend who has had bariatric surgery and is now underweight and struggling as a result. When she meets women who knew her before, they want to know her secret!
It is really hard to break that default pattern.
I've started focusing on things like "I'm so happy to see you!" vs giving feedback on their appearance. It feels so much better to me, and feels 100% authentic, especially since the start of the pandemic.
I also think there is a difference between commenting on someone's body size vs taking note of their style and creative choices.
I will say, though, that when I had lost weight for a period of time due to extreme stress, I suddenly got compliments on clothes I had been wearing for years, so that didn't feel great either (especially as the stress was from my child being in treatment for anorexia). It was a painful reminder of how these kinds of comments can land with people.
I agree with all of that. It reminds me that we never know what is going on on the inside for someone. So the only helpful place to be is to share our experience as you say 'I am so happy to see you' or 'I am enjoying the energy you have brought today'.